My Struggles With Religion

My whole life I have struggled with my religion. I really don’t have any good answers as to why my brain has such a hard time just choosing something to believe in and going with it. I am glad that my mom allowed us the freedom to decide whether or not we would be religious. However, sometimes I think it would be easier had she told us we would burn in hell if we didn’t believe something specific.

I do think I have some sort of connection with God. I have always felt that all my relatives who have passed are still with me in spirit, and I also pray to God. It’s just the unknown that has me so conflicted. All these unanswered questions could eat me alive. Like, “If god is real, how could he allow innocent children to die? Why doesn’t he come to me in my dreams? Why doesn’t he speak to me when I’m having hard times? Why cant he let me find my other shoe? Why did he let me take the busiest street when he knows I’m late to work?” You know… All the usual questions.

It really just stumped me the other day when u was talking to my in laws and my mother in said to me, “haven’t you had something where you just knew God was there? Like you could just feel his presence?” I was completely thrown off. Is that what happens?? You feel his presence?? Have I been really missing this? Maybe he doesn’t come to me like he does others.

Every time I wonder if he is real and watching over me, I feel like I’m sinning. Everyone else seems so confident in their beliefs! I want to feel the same way.

Maybe this is because I was going through a rebellious stage, but in high school the thought of evolution made complete sense to me. I was so dead set on the idea that we came from apes. I would preach it to anyone that listened. I couldn’t ever come up with a logical reason why part ape/part man isn’t alive if somehow we morphed from them. A magical fairy must have come down, and “POOF!!” Turned apes into mankind in one swipe of her wand. Nonetheless, I would explain in great detail why nothing but evolution made sense and there was no other way we got here.

Then came college, and along with college came Philosophy. Reading about how people thought the mind worked (or didn’t work) was very interesting to me. I realized I had a lot of the same thoughts, like “our mind is it’s own being, and our body is just the house for this being”. That’s when I really realized just how amazing our minds really are. Like remembering things that happened when we were young, or having magical dreams every night. When my daughter was born, I was so amazed that she literally came out knowing how to suck milk. Our minds are magical beings with endless capabilities.

I know that there’s really no way to answer all my questions about religion, because no one alive really knows any of the answers. But I do hope to one day be able to say that I feel Gods presence all day.

Absorb then Act with Compassion

“If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.” -Dalai Lama

Every single one of us is guilty of being rude, condescending, or just down right mean. Anger is the number one reaction to many actions, but it’s also a choice.

When we are driving, we are upset about many things-  no turning signal, someone stopped too fast, someone is driving too slow, someone cut me off, etc. When we are at work, we are upset because our boss is being an ass, or the secretary didn’t make the coffee right. When we are on the phone (this one gets me all the time) with our cable company, or our cell phone provider, or any telemarketer, we are upset because we are on hold for too long, the person on the line doesn’t understand our issue, or we can’t understand them through their thick accent. Whatever the case may be, we are always being challenged and presented with issues. Our response to these issues is a choice, but how do we get in the habit of choosing the right way to go about things like this?

To respond better in situations  , we need to practice compassion. Being compassionate is being sympathetic. It allows us to be able to put ourselves in other people’s shoes so we can better understand the reasons as to why they are acting the way they are. We need to remind ourselves to “Absorb, then Act”. First we need to absorb the situation, take a moment to really take in what is going on, and allow ourselves to feel what the other person is feeling. After we have a good sense of what is going on, we are able to act in a more compassionate way.

So the next time someone cuts you off on the freeway, instead of throwing up the bird, or getting angry, just take a breath and absorb the situation. Feel compassion and remember that perhaps they are trying to get to a loved one that has just been hurt. Or when your boss is being an ass, instead of talking badly behind his back, be compassionate. Remind yourself that he has a lot on his shoulders, and maybe his wife just found out she has cancer.

We truly do not know what is going on in anyones day-to-day life, and a lot of times it may be worse than we think. We don’t walk around with signs on our shirts that say, “Today I lost my dog of 10 years, so have some compassion.”. So we need to remind ourselves to do so.

The Good and Bad of Online Dating- If You Are Looking For the One

With all of these dating websites, its incredibly easy to find people to date. You simply go online, find the most attractive people, send them a cute little pick up line and BOOM- you have made a new friend. After a couple emails back and forth, you have a date. But are any of these people good for you and your life?

1.) Pictures– This is the first thing we notice, and you can actually tell a lot about a person just through the type of pictures they post.

If all their pictures are at a night club, they are most likely not settling down any time soon.

If they have pictures with expensive things (like standing next to a Ferrari that probably isn’t theirs, etc.) they are probably pretty flashy, and care way too much about their image.

Lets face it- No one is going to post pictures they don’t look good in, and a lot of the time the pictures will be slimming. But if every single picture is the ‘good angle selfie’, the ‘duck face’ or showing only part of their face… chances are the pictures are EXTREMELY slimming. A lot of people like some curves, so this point is just preference.

Look for pictures taken of them. Good pictures are ones with family members, children, or friends. If you are active, look for pictures of them outdoors. If you love animals, look for pictures with their dogs or cats.

2: Looking for- This section is the first thing you should notice. If you are looking for a real relationship, you want someone that is looking for the same thing.

Friends-  if they are looking for friends, look away. Friends you can find at your local Starbucks, not online.

Casual Dating- Sometimes I encourage these if you are recently single from a long term relationship, just to get in the groove of dating again. Casual Dating is not to be taken seriously.

Serious Relationship- These are my favorite, I always encourage this. Its not quite at the ‘Looking for Marriage’ but they are definitely heading that route. Serious daters, not wanting to put too much pressure on Marriage.

Marriage: If you are extremely secure with what you want, and what you want is marriage, then I say go for it. Some people are a little intimidated, and that’s ok.

3. About Me:  Now this is where you will find out what kind of personality they have.

Notice the grammar first. Their maturity level will shine bright with their grammar.They should not WriTe LiKe ThiS. They should not be replacing words , like Dat-That. Aint, still, after all these years, is not a word.

People should always write what they like to do in their ‘About Me’ section. If their idea of a good time is drinking, partying, oe smoking weed, they need a new hobby.

If you are family oriented, make sure they have included ‘hanging with family’ somewhere in this section. If you are active, look for hiking, sports, etc.

If you are looking for a serious relationship, I would recommend looking for things that may seem a little on the boring side. Things like ‘I can have a good time doing just about anything. Im really easy going’. People that post things like, ‘I really love to randomly go on week long road trips and skydive on my days off’ most likely aren’t settling down.

4. First Move- The first email is crucial. whether you are receiving the first message, or getting a response back from the message you wrote.

Sex- if they mention sex in any way, its all bad. Even if it is just bringing attention to some of your private body parts they really enjoy {boobs, behind, mouth, etc.).

Long pasted messages- If the email is really long, and says nothing directly specifically at you, its probably a pasted message that they send to hundreds of people without any thought. These are bad, because they don’t actually care about you at all. They just wait to see who writes back and then proceed to try and get some ass.

Look for short, but to the point messages. Like, “Hey I liked what you wrote in your profile. I really like to go hiking as well. Maybe we could get together sometime?” This says that they took the time out to actually read your profile, and they are into some of the same things as you.

5. First Date- The first date is the most important date.

NEVER go somewhere that you will be stuck for hours. There is no guarantee that you will like this person. You may have loves their profile, and thought they were perfect, but you still don’t really know them and unfortunately, people lie.

NEVER go to a movie. Why do people think its a good idea to see a movie on a first date? Horrible idea! You need to interact with them, and actually talk. Sitting in a movie is not interacting!

Stick to coffee,  breakfast, lunch, dinner, etc. Those are all quick, easy ice breakers. If you like them, you can continue the date with something afterward. If you don’t like them, you can leave. Simple as that.

NEVER be rude, and ALWAYS go on a second date if you aren’t sure. Sometimes people let their nerves take over and aren’t themselves. So, if you thought they were perfect online or on the phone and in person they were a little off, give it one last try before giving up completely.

Dont Sweat the Small stuff

When I was about 5 years old, we went to visit my grandparents. During this visit, my grandfather gave me a book, “Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff”. I always thought he gave me the book because it was the only piece if literature he owned that I could actually read and it kept me busy all day. However, the older I got, the more meaningful it became to me. Even just the title alone says it all.

So often in relationships we forget to remember the small things. Our minds are clouded with money issues, control issues, the inability to share properly, parenting disagreements, family problems, etc. In the mix of it all, we fail to remember the real reasons we chose to surround ourselves around the people we have.

The next time you and your spouse are going through rough times, instead of focusing on the negative, write down the things you love about them.

For example:

One year my husband didn’t acknowledge my birthday. I was deeply hurt. I was trying to hold it in and act like it didn’t bother me, but I realized that my frustrations about this one issue, was now affecting other things. I was getting mad at him for things completely  unrelated. I was starting to think that if I were with someone else, they would have remembered. So I finally addressed the issue, and then I knew that I needed to forgive him to move on. So, I started writing down the things that I love about him. The big things, all the way to the small things. After doing so, I started to see just how small this issue was, I was sweating the small stuff, and it was only hurting myself.

So be open with your spouse, and remember the things you love about them.

Pay it Forward

 

When I was 17, I would text and drive all the time. This was, of course, before it was illegal. I thought I would never get in an accident because I was the BEST driver.  

I got a rude awakening when I rear ended a brand new Lexus. I was seriously sweating bullets. I had never even been pulled over and I was so scared. I followed the car to the side of the road, and we both got out of our car. I was in tears, “Im so, so, so very sorry. Ive never done this before, please tell me what you would like me to do.” The woman and I stared at the tiny scratch on her bumper, which I felt at the time was huge. My stomach was turning and my heart was racing.

She looked at me and said, “Its ok, dont worry about it. But one day, when this happens to you, do the same for someone else.” And that was it. Simple as that, she was letting me go. 

I was jumping with joy!! “Thank you so much!! I will definitely do that.” I felt horrible that I rear ended her, but I couldn’t help feeling excited that she let me walk away from it. 

About 5 years later, it was my turn. I was driving home, and a BMW slammed into the back of my car. We did the same exact thing- both pulled over, got out of our cars, and started at the damage. Then she said, “Is there anyway that we could work something out? I will pay you cash for whatever you need, but can you just not report it please? I’m an attorney and I can afford whatever you need to do to fix this”

When I bought my car, the back bumper already had some scratches on it. Initially, I was thinking I could definitely get my car into perfect condition by acting like it was all her fault, which she already thought. But then I remembered that day when I was 17 and the sweet woman that let me go. I smiled, looked at her and said, “Its ok, dont worry about it. But one day, when this happens to you, do the same for someone else.”

That made me feel better than I know I would have felt had I got my bumper fixed.

Helping Others to Help Yourself

A couple years ago, I lost my wallet. I made the poor decision of keeping my social security card, my check book, a large amount of cash and other various things inside of my wallet. I was so bummed, I thought for sure whoever got a hold of my wallet would not only deplete my bank account, but steal my identity and ruin my credit.

About a week later, a police officer knocked on my door and returned my wallet. Someone turned it in to the police! They didn’t touch the cash inside or anything. I was ecstatic. I felt so blessed that such a kind person picked it up and took time out of their day to try and get my wallet back to me.

After this, I decided that I wanted to do kind things for other people, in hopes that they too could feel that way. I started writing down the small things I did to help people. They were small simple things, like holding the door open for a group of people. It became a positive game for me. Each day, I was trying to do more helpful things than the previous day. Eventually I got to the point where I no longer wrote them down. I now was subconsciously doing nice things for people. It’s hard to have a bad day when you making others feel good.

I encourage everyone to write down the small positive things you do for others. Recent research actually shows that helping others does in fact have a positive impact on your life.

Click here to see for yourself-
http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/3672477/

When you think you could lose your child

 

When I was pregnant with my daughter, Harlow, I was beyond ecstatic. The further along I was, the less patience I had. I couldn’t wait to see her, to touch her, or to hear her cry and the anticipation was painful awaiting her arrival. My thirty hour intense labor was more than worth it. When I first saw her, I instantly fell in love. I was so excited to hear her cry, because I knew she was alive and healthy. Even with the temporary deformity on top of her head from being vacuumed out, she was beautiful. Perfect in every way.

From the second she was placed in my arms, I didn’t want to share her. I didn’t want anyone to touch her and I didn’t want to put her down. It was almost like my arms were made just for her because she fit so perfectly in them. We had an instant bond, which i may have forced upon her a little but she would never know that. Harlow was extremely bright right from day one and she was progressing so fast. Within the first two weeks of her life, she started getting extremely fussy. She would cry for hours. When I told her doctor, she advised me to cut dairy out of my diet since i was breastfeeding. She said the protein in cows milk is sometimes hard for babies to digest. I did as she advised for about two weeks to no avail. We went back to the pediatrician because we thought she might be colic. At the check up, they let us know she had acid reflux and although I was hesitant, we got her on medication immediately. When the medicine kicked in, it was like she was a different baby! She was so happy and content. She wanted to observe everything and she would stare at people and lights for as long as she could stay awake. Over the next couple months, she progressed just like every other baby. She began to laugh, and watch things from across the room. She would follow me with her eyes when I walked around the house while she screamed out little noises that she figured out she could make. Her toys were so much fun for her, especially the ones that would light up and play music. She could play with those forever. 

When Harlow was three months old, I was feeding her in my favorite chair like I always did. I loved to watch her while she ate because its the only time she would stay still. As her tiny head was pressed against my arm, I noticed something unusual. She had a bubble on her head. I touched it, and it was filled with fluid. I sat her up and observed the bubble. It was on the crown of her head, on the top/back. The bubble was from one side of her head to the other in length, and the fluid was swishing from side to side as her head moved. I immediately called her pediatrician. Of course, its after hours, because every time you notice something unusual about your baby its after hours. So, I talked to the on-call nurse who told me not to worry about it. As long and my baby was acting normal I shouldn’t worry. When she starts acting funny, then take her in.

DON’T WORRY ABOUT It?!?!?!  

I hate when people say not to take someone in until they start acting funny. Isn’t it a little late by then? When something involves the brain or heart and you wait until someone is acting funny to seek help, your waiting for either brain damage or a heart defect. Despite the nurses horrible advice, I take Harlow into the nearest E.R. with a pediatric ward. They immediately admitted her. From the front door, until getting into her hospital room, we had two Medical Doctors, and six different nurses tell us that they had never seen anything like it before. Right away, they wanted to do a CT scan. They were afraid there could be a fracture in her skull that’s what was causing the fluid build up. 

They walked me over to the radiation department and into the room where they do the CT scans. I laid my beautiful little baby on this huge machine to scan her scull, and had to walk away while they tried to get a decent enough image between her rapid movements. Its difficult to explain the feelings you have while watching your tiny baby lay so helplessly under this huge machine. The nurse was telling me I needed to stand further back because I didn’t want to be exposed to the radiation, yet she wanted me to leave my baby under it. I felt completely empty not being able to run over and pick her up. I know she was scared, but she laid there like such a good girl. She didn’t even cry. When it was over, I ran over and picked her up as fast as I could. They said the doctors would look over the scan and let me know what they thought.

 

Your daughter has a fracture in her skull. We are going to need you to stay over night so we can watch her. I do have to report this to Child Protective Services, and we need another full body scan done to be sure she doesn’t have any other broken bones in her body that we should know about.

 

As the Medical Doctor was saying this to me, while holding Harlow, I was thinking in my head, “He just said its NOT a fracture right? Isnt that what he just said? Its not a fracture… How could it be?” When it started to hit me, my body went numb, and my head started spinning. So much was going through my mind. 

After the MD left, a Pediatrician came in to look at Harlows head. I showed him where the fluid was, and he said “It just doesn’t make any sense. The fluid is on top of her head, and where they think they saw a fracture was on the side of her head. ” I proceeded to let him know, “Harlow has never hit her head. She doesn’t even roll yet, and hasn’t accidentally fallen off a bed or couch. NOTHING!” The pediatrician ordered another scan of her head. 

While getting the second scan, Harlow was screaming and crying. I wanted to hold her and let her know it was going to be ok. However, I myself was still in shock and I really wasn’t sure if it would be ok. I was just staring at her wondering how this could possibly be. Could it be the vacuum that fractured her head during birth? Nothing was making any sense. After the scan they sent me back to the room again where i waited for the next round of opinions to come through. 

This time, The MD stayed clear from my room. The pediatrician came in and said, “There is no fracture. The doctor looking at it earlier was seeing something that may have looked like a fracture because she was moving while getting the scan done.” I was so happy! I knew it couldn’t have been a fracture. He told us to go home to watch her and if she started acting funny, bring her back in.

She was still normal as could be. Smiling and alert. But I just didn’t feel right about it. I was scouring the internet hoping that I would come across someone with the same issues. I did find a couple cases online with some similarities, but nothing exactly the same. The next morning, I took Harlow to her regular Pediatrician. She said, just like the others, that she had never seen anything like this before. If someone who sees babies and children for a living has never seen what your child has before, it makes you feel like there’s something really wrong. She called a Pediatric Brain Surgeon, and he assured her that he has seen many cases like this before and not to worry about it. He said her body would absorb the excess fluid eventually. Although it is completely impossible not to worry, it was good to finally hear someone say that he had seen the same thing before.   

I wanted to write this for two reasons. One, because there isn’t enough information about this out there. Any parent that finds fluid on their baby’s head needs to know that this does happen, and according to the Pediatric Brain Surgeon, it happens more often than we would think. The second reason I wanted to write this was because it shouldn’t take something like this to happen for us to enjoy every single second we have with not only our kids, but all our loved ones. I don’t look at Harlow the same way. I already felt so blessed to have her, but now I know what if feels like to think I might lose her. Its the scariest, most lonely, heartbreaking feeling I have ever felt. None of the petty things seem to matter right now, and its an absolute blessing to live this way.  

Couldn’t Have Said it Better Myself

You can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks, or even months over-analyzing a situation; trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could’ve, would’ve happened… or you can just leave the pieces on the floor and move the fuck on.

– Tupac Shakur

The Truth About Happiness

When I ask people who come to me for advice if they are happy, far too often the answer is “no”. But it’s understandable.

It’s hard to stay happy when your getting hit with every day problems. Big issues like “How am I going to pay rent this month?” All the way to small issues like, “I ran out of milk, and I really wanted cereal for breakfast”. No issue is too big or too small to bring down your positive energy.

How to turn that frown upside down?

HABITS!!

It’s crucial that you develop good habits. When you find yourself feeling angry, sad, stressed, etc., you need to reassure yourself, “I am ok, I’m not going to let this bring me down. I choose to stay happy.”

Your happiness is your choice. You have to believe that you are strong enough to bring yourself out of that dark hole. It takes a long time to break old bad habits and redevelop good ones, but if you stick with it, it will happen.

While reading this right now, remind yourself, “I am ok. I’m not going to let anything bring me down today. I choose to be happy right now.”

Toxic Relationships

 

 

Avoiding toxic relationships can be difficult. Why, you ask? Because usually people aren’t ALL BAD. We tend to think if people are somewhat good, then they are good enough for us. Not true. People can sweep you off your feet and still find a way to bring you down. Ill give you some examples of a toxic relationship:

• If your spouse/friend only does what he/she wants, and cares very little about what makes you happy, that’s toxic
• If  you are being called you names, or being belittled
• If you find yourself calling others names, or belittling others because someone else is
• If you have feelings of depression, anxiety, guilt, or shame because of things happening in your relationship
• If you are being abused mentally or physically
• If you are being manipulated you into thinking or doing bad things
• If you are being tempted into habits you have previously recovered from (alcohol, drugs, etc.)

Now the question is, How can you avoid these toxic relationships? Well, the best and easiest way to avoid these relationships is noticing signs right away and choosing to walk away from that relationship completely. It getS more and more difficult to just walk away when you are deeply involved with someone. However, it can and should be done. To do this properly and as quick as possibly, you will need to cut this person completely out of your life. Do not answer phone calls, do not return text messages or voicemails, and do not respond to emails. IF YOU FEEL THRETENED IN ANYWAY DURING THIS PROCESS, OR IF YOU THINK THERE IS A POSSIBILITY THAT THEY MAY HARM YOU OR SOMEONE ELSE, CONTACT THE POLICE IMMEDIATELY. At first, this might be difficult as the calls and texts are rolling in, but it will get easier and less frequent, until finally they get the picture and leave you alone.