My whole life I have struggled with my religion. I really don’t have any good answers as to why my brain has such a hard time just choosing something to believe in and going with it. I am glad that my mom allowed us the freedom to decide whether or not we would be religious. However, sometimes I think it would be easier had she told us we would burn in hell if we didn’t believe something specific.
I do think I have some sort of connection with God. I have always felt that all my relatives who have passed are still with me in spirit, and I also pray to God. It’s just the unknown that has me so conflicted. All these unanswered questions could eat me alive. Like, “If god is real, how could he allow innocent children to die? Why doesn’t he come to me in my dreams? Why doesn’t he speak to me when I’m having hard times? Why cant he let me find my other shoe? Why did he let me take the busiest street when he knows I’m late to work?” You know… All the usual questions.
It really just stumped me the other day when u was talking to my in laws and my mother in said to me, “haven’t you had something where you just knew God was there? Like you could just feel his presence?” I was completely thrown off. Is that what happens?? You feel his presence?? Have I been really missing this? Maybe he doesn’t come to me like he does others.
Every time I wonder if he is real and watching over me, I feel like I’m sinning. Everyone else seems so confident in their beliefs! I want to feel the same way.
Maybe this is because I was going through a rebellious stage, but in high school the thought of evolution made complete sense to me. I was so dead set on the idea that we came from apes. I would preach it to anyone that listened. I couldn’t ever come up with a logical reason why part ape/part man isn’t alive if somehow we morphed from them. A magical fairy must have come down, and “POOF!!” Turned apes into mankind in one swipe of her wand. Nonetheless, I would explain in great detail why nothing but evolution made sense and there was no other way we got here.
Then came college, and along with college came Philosophy. Reading about how people thought the mind worked (or didn’t work) was very interesting to me. I realized I had a lot of the same thoughts, like “our mind is it’s own being, and our body is just the house for this being”. That’s when I really realized just how amazing our minds really are. Like remembering things that happened when we were young, or having magical dreams every night. When my daughter was born, I was so amazed that she literally came out knowing how to suck milk. Our minds are magical beings with endless capabilities.
I know that there’s really no way to answer all my questions about religion, because no one alive really knows any of the answers. But I do hope to one day be able to say that I feel Gods presence all day.
Liz Skajem 